A Footnote on Facial Hair
It was under a year ago that I wrote 10 Reasons Why It’s Fucking Awesome Being Single to show…well, how fucking awesome it is to be single. I still stand by that. However, recent events (and an error in judgement) have transpired and I seem to have acquired a
boyfrie relationsh person of the male persuasion who I spend my free time with; an Insignificant Other, if you will. Anyway, this person sports a full beard, which is lucky because I happen to have a real thing for facial hair. I know I am not the only woman with a fetish for fuzz; for beard and tash-lovers everywhere, he is a comprehensive list as to why being non-shaven is a haven…
1. Stubble rash is the new hickey
Nothing says ‘pre-teen party’ like a hickey on your neck; the perfect accessory to poor judgement decisions, chart music and badly rolled cigarettes. Hickeys look tacky and trashy; it looks like some acne-ridden, VKD-fuelled whippersnapper has been sucking on your neck harder than Edward Cullen. Stubble rash, however, says: ‘Everyone, I have just hooked up with a man! A proper suit-wearing, newspaper-reading, mature adult!’ which is a far better image to have. I’m not saying that a red rash around your face and neck is ideal, of course, but at least it fades; bitemarks, however, require half a bottle of foundation and several days of wearing a scarf no matter what the weather.
2. Make-up for men
Got a weak chin? Grow a beard. Acne? Beard. Weird mole on your upper lip? Grow a fuzzy friend to cover it up. We women are blessed with products to turn us from Alistair Campbell to Naomi Campbell but men do not have the same advantage. The answer? Cultivate that man-hedge.
3. It just looks cool
What do Burt Reynolds, Che Guevara and Ernest Hemingway all have in common? They were all pretty badass. And they did it all with some gnarly facial hair. Now I’m not saying that all of the stuff they did was completely down to their lack of shaving, but just look at the statistics. Math doesn’t lie, my friends.
Men have testosterone. Testosterone creates facial hair. Ergo, facial hair is manly. Imagine Justin Bieber with a beard; wouldn’t he look 70% less like a teenage girl? Actually, maybe he shouldn’t grow facial hair, because then I might fancy him…and that would be just wrong.
5. Girls love it
Well, this one anyway. My motto is ‘no fuzz, no us.’ Beards can be stroked, kissed, groomed, you name it. It makes us jealous that we can’t grow one. I have actually thought about this though; if women could grow facial hair, our beauty routine would take so much longer. Think about it: ‘So we’re going to Oceana tonight, I need ten minutes to shower and shave my legs, fifteen minutes to do my hair, twenty minutes to do my makeup, twenty minutes to wax my moustache…’ Maybe this was a blessing in disguise.
6. You look outdoors-y
A clean shaven jawline says ‘I spend my days working in an office cubicle, filing papers and having a chat by the water cooler.’ A rugged beard says ‘I spend my days climbing mountains, wrestling bears and banging chicks’. It’s true.
7. No effort required
So you want to grow a beard? No problem! It literally requires no effort on your part. Just sit back and let biology do all the work. Cometh the hour, cometh the man who throws his Gillette razor into the bin and cries ‘no more!’
I must add that my Insignificant Other did make a facial faux pas once when he shaved it off for a costume, and I was not impressed. If you’re a woman in a similar situation, do what I did and lay down the law with this rule: if he shaves, you don’t. One of us has got to be fuzzy, and we both know who it should be…